I Know I Have Dreams

It's been a while since I have written anything on here. And I know it's been a while.

I know that the last few weeks have been crazy, and that that is part of it.

But I also know that I have sat down to write here more times than I would care to admit. I know that I have a million thoughts running around in my head. I know that I want to figure out how to let the words out and have them make sense.
I know I have all these ideas about what I want to do with my life, what I want to accomplish, and who I want to become, and yet I lack the knowledge of how to get there.
I know I have dreams.
I know I want to be somebody that people can look up too someday.
I know what I love.
I know I have to make choices.

I know that I ramble. A lot.

I know a lot of things.

Maybe I will talk about everything. Maybe I will save a post or two for another day.

I know that this post is going to be long.  I know that this post may be very varied when it comes to topics. I know that nobody probably reads this anyways. I know that that doesn't even matter to me.

And yes, even though it may not seem like it, I know this probably wont make sense. And that is totally okay with me.

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I am all in. School, work, play, people, everything; I am all in. I want to do my best and be my best

and so consequently I fall.
So hard. So fast.
Sometimes my expectations are so much greater than reality.
Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to stop my emotions. Like the lines and boundaries that normal people have in their lives, for me are blurry
and smudged.

Everyone around me is finding love and it makes me so happy for them.

I think that is it.
I want the people in my life to be happy. I get so excited when they are. And maybe that changes into wanting to be the reason they are happy.

I want to be someone that people can turn to when they need something. I want to be the one they come to for a laugh or a chat or a shoulder to cry on. I want people to need me. I want to make people happy.
I am loyal. I am a friend.

I am all in.
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"I didn't always know what I wanted to do, but I knew the kind of woman I wanted to be."

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I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. It's frustrating because I am getting to the point where I am going to have to decide.
I have to choose.
I have to pick classes, to continue my education.

Why is it so easy for some? So easy to choose the way they are going to spend the rest of their lives. Every single day.

And then for others (me), it is so difficult.

I have two lists. One list is the things that I would do if I could do anything.
The other is a realistic list of things to do with my life. Things that I could support myself and a family with. Things that are practical. Things that make sense. Things that are safe.

A very good friend once told me that it doesn't matter what you do, but whatever you do be proficient at it.

Be proficient at what you do.
I know what I love.
I know I have dreams.

So the question is this...

Am I content with playing it safe?