I hate the beginning of the semester. I hate trying to remember which classes I have when, which classes are going to kill me with all the homework and tests, and which classes will put me to sleep either due to a dull topic or less-than-interesting professor...or both. I hate hate hate buying textbooks because I feel like I pay an arm and a leg for them. I hate going to class and just sitting there alone because I don't make friends easily, and despite what actually might be reality, to me it just seems like everyone else in the class has someone to sit there and talk to. I hate the beginning of the semester because you I haven't worked out the kinks in everything and I always feel rushed like I am always late or always forgetting something. But mostly I just hate the beginning of the semester for one question that is always asked. "So what are you studying?" And I am guilty of this too, you meet someone for the first time and it is one of the very first questions you ask. But I don't have an answer. And so I hate it. Because I feel so stupid standing there talking to these people who have their lives figured out, which seems to be pretty much everyone besides me. It's awesome. After school has been going for a few weeks you seem to stop meeting or being introduced to people on a pretty regular basis...but those first few weeks are miserable. I get asked that question and I just want to turn, look them straight in the face and reply with something along the lines of "No I don't know what I want to do with my life, and thank you for reminding me of that fact!" because I don't know about everyone else, but not knowing what I want to do isn't something that is fun for me...it's not like I am putting things off...if I knew I would get on it and declare a major...I would not just be sitting here. This is not a fun feeling. So as this semester keeps going, as we move farther away from the beginning, I will keep trying to discover what it is I am passionate about, what I want to do with my life. Until then, the first of the semester will continue to be the worst.
This is the time of year when we evaluate our lives. We look at the last 364 days and ponder on our struggles and our triumphs. We look at the person we have become over the last 12 months and we plan to do better in the coming 12. This is the time of year we are dedicated to making a change, and as I sit here thinking back to this time exactly 365 days ago, I am astounded at how far I have come. Almost ashamed of the person I was then and truly proud of the person I am now. For one of the first times in my life I can say that I can see myself becoming the person I want to become. In the last year I have felt sorrow and defeat and loneliness. I have faced struggles and heartache and frustrations. But I have also felt peace. I have felt joy and happiness and love. I set goals and I achieved them. I have had experiences that have taught me so many valuable lessons, and I have met people who have changed me forever. And I am so grateful. And so as we finish out this awfully beautiful year...
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